I'm thinking way to much

"zeontestpilot" (zeontestpilot)
12/08/2014 at 22:29 • Filed to: Overthinking, Mental problems

I've been feeling down and out lately, quite a bit depressed. Like empty inside, passionless, void; like an empty container. Just going through the daily motions. And I've been thinking way to much maybe.

It doesn't help that I'm ADD, have major depression disorder, been told I'm probably bi-polar (type 2),OCD, etc. So if I get a thought that I don't like, it cycles through my head repeatedly; breaking me down internally so I am mentally grasping for air. In other words, I'm my own worst enemy. It doesn't help that I have been feeling distant from God lately either.

Today it dawned on me that the earth is at least 5000 yrs old (young earth theory), so there have been many different ztp's before me. And there will be many ztp's after me, as life will continue once I'm gone, until the rapture and such. So, I'm literally a blink of the eye, a single grain of sand in a desert. I feel very insignificant inside. Not to mention I fear death.

So the question becomes, what have I done with my life? Have I made a significant impact on anyone? Am I proud of my personal life story so far?

So I'm driving home, thinking about all of this, and my iPod plays "Laid to Rest" by The Showdown, and I have a revelation, I am a product of my past. And it's not just my past, it's the people who have come before me as well. We are all products of our past. And our past can help define our future, our choices and decisions.

I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. There's a message in here, somewhere. It's 10:23pm and my brain has been turned on since 8am this morning. I need to turn in off. I'm going to attempt sleep.

DISCUSSION (38)

bob and john > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:38

have you tried meditation? turn off the lights, turn off your phone, set your computer to play some forest sounds or something, Cross your legs and rest your back against the wall. I had a bit of an emotional freakout a few days ago and that helped me calm down a bit.

AM3R shamefully returns > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:38

While our past can play an impact on our future, we also have a huge impact on how our lives turn out. Doing instead of thinking is a great way to improve, and I know how tough that is.

Ignore me, it's 10:38 and I've been trying to turn my brain off since I woke up at 5:30 lol.

 > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:40

Stop giving a shit, you will live longer.

heliochrome85 > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:41

I recommend a book called "The Mindful Way through Depression."

heliochrome85 > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:42

lets talk.

zeontestpilot > bob and john
12/08/2014 at 22:44

I'm gonna try some fasting. Not with food, since I need it to function properly. I'm gonna try hard to just not watch tv after work, which is hard to do since it's relaxing at times. I'm aiming to spend some time searching myself, and with my family.

I think I will try your way, if it gets too intense agsin.

EL_ULY > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:44

ZTP!!! Long time no see. Your mind is awesome but working too hard. Try and catch some zzzz's buddy

Brickman > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:46

Volunteering is what might help IMO. work in the good will place, feed the homeless, build for the poor, etc. :)

zeontestpilot > AM3R shamefully returns
12/08/2014 at 22:46

I agree, but then the question becomes. "What should I do?" I want to do something, just not sure what, :/.

bob and john > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:46

I used to do it twice a week for 5 min for my martial arts class. school and relationship stuff got a little un bearable and I couldnt sleep for the past few days, so I locked my door, turbned everything off, made it dark and just sat for 20-30 minutes. i have forgotten how much it does help.

dont think about anything. try topush everything out of your mind. picture yourself in a'zaen' room. it does help, even if it only for a little bit.

zeontestpilot >
12/08/2014 at 22:50

I so wish I could. I envy people who can do that.

zeontestpilot > EL_ULY
12/08/2014 at 22:53

Yeah, I've been super occupied lately. I've been 'meaning ' to do more diecast reviews. I always looked forward to doing that, :).

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > bob and john
12/08/2014 at 22:54

seconded. Tai Chi also helped me with the black dog.. and hitting the weights at the gym.

basically anything that releases endorphins in a good way.

bob and john > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard
12/08/2014 at 22:55

i ahvent done a good work out or anything in....3-4 years (wow, has it been THAT long?!)

I probably should start again.

zeontestpilot > heliochrome85
12/08/2014 at 22:57

I would, but I need to get up at 5:30 tomorrow morning so I'm heading to bed. Having a monotonous routine brings some reason and rhyme to my head. My email is zeontestpilot at gmail, I'll be checking it tomorrow.

 > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 22:58

I learned how to stop giving a shit. Feels so good.

E92M3 > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:00

Helping someone or something else always makes me feel better. Have you thought about volunteering some of your time? That can have an immediate impact on someones life. Which helps you realize even though your just one person you can make a difference. There's all sorts of things you could do. Habitat For Humanity, Red Cross, be a foster for rescue dogs (even of you can't keep an animal at your place many organizations are often looking for people to volunteer their time to help transport them).

zeontestpilot > bob and john
12/08/2014 at 23:02

Question, how does one push everything out of their mind? I struggle with this a lot. I always need something going on otherwise I'm left with my own thoughts. but then I can't escape my own thoughts.

EL_ULY > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:04

So do we. A lot of new members posting a lot of good stuff lately. Take care of you gotta do first then come hang out, we are always here.

heliochrome85 > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:04

ill just shoot a quick email. lets talk about things.

zeontestpilot > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard
12/08/2014 at 23:04

Hmm, would a punching bag help? My wife wants to get one, and if it releases endorphins, it would be a excellent reason to invest in one.

zeontestpilot >
12/08/2014 at 23:06

Hmm, any tips to help me out?

bob and john > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:07

the way I do it is that I focus on completly mundane things. with the sounds I mentioned, I mentally focus on a bird going by or water moving or somthing. then I try to paint a bigger picture. and try to not focus on something specific

TL;DR: focus on something TOTALLY unrelated to you. a bird, water, whatever. then just relax. let the over all imagine kinda swell in your mind and fall into that.

its a little hard at first because your mind keeps trying to default to thinking about something. another trick that helps is to focus on your breathing. inhale through you nose deeply, hold it breifl (like 1/10 of a second) and exhale though your mouth. focus on deep, even breathes.

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > bob and john
12/08/2014 at 23:07

I know that feeling man, I started looking like my office chair at work. Hit the weights 3-4 times a week.. I haven't lost any weight but now I can bench press my dad.

zeontestpilot > EL_ULY
12/08/2014 at 23:08

Yeah I check LaLD periodically. There's some good stuff over there.

bob and john > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard
12/08/2014 at 23:08

i havent actually changed...at all. i'm weaker and i dont have the stamina i used to, but I look identical as before.

AM3R shamefully returns > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:14

Nice old story: I played lacrosse in high school, and I was pretty good. I got cut my freshmen year from varsity (big shock to myself, my parents, and my teammates). I got nothing done, all I did was feel bad for myself. I ended up looking for a job (I had lots of free time...) and started saving for a car, which helped get me interested in cars as I wouldn't be able to afford a new car (dream car at 15: E46 M3). I started making new friends that also liked cars and started learning as much as I could about cars. I was happy again. I had something in my life besides a sport to spend my time on. Just the new friends I met made it all worth it.

In a way getting cut helped spark my interest in cars, and I'm forever grateful for that. Have any hobbies? Keep yourself busy so you can't spend too much time thinking about the bad things! Have a lot of free time? Pick up a new hobby or get a side job if you wanna make some $$

Moral of the story: life may seem like it sucks, but stick through it and see what ya get.

zeontestpilot > E92M3
12/08/2014 at 23:16

I haven't thought of volunteering like that, no. I do feel like my hands are tied though. I have a wife and kid, I work a job from 8 to 5, Monday to Friday; Sunday I help the start-up church with sound, and help with the kids church if needed; Saturday is 'fixed the new used house" day, or it's a freebie day.

It stinks because I know the pastor does stuff during the weekdays to help others, and if I wasn't working, it could help out too.

zeontestpilot > bob and john
12/08/2014 at 23:18

Thanks, :).

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:21

it's exercise so yeah. good cardio if you do it right. I'd recommend taking lessons so you can use it properly.

 > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:22

Keeping busy helps. Takes your mind off things. As long as you stay occupied you don't think about it.

Physical exercise helps. Booze helps...also makes you an alcoholic so probably not the best idea. lol

I think I outgrew it. I still feel like this from time to time but I stick it in the back of my head and move on. Basically gotta tell yourself to knock that shit off.

One thing that helped me is when I faced my fear of flying. When I was a kid I got scared shitless on an airplane and couldn't fly since. Then not too long ago I went to visit some family and had to fly so I was faced with a decision. Either I get on that plane and stop giving a shit or face the reality of a grown ass man having a mental breakdown in an airport...and losing $300 plane ticket along the way. So I got on a plane and made the best of it.

Since then I kinda don't give a shit any more, not just flying but other things in general.

Nisman > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:24

I recommend seeing a good Christian counselor, if you haven't already. It's done wonders for me in my darker days.

zeontestpilot > AM3R shamefully returns
12/08/2014 at 23:25

Ha, your story made me chuckle, so thanks, :). I try very hard to keep my mind busy. It just wanders sometimes into areas I like to keep covered up, or hidden.

I usually try to keep my mind cluttered with the most epic gundam mobile suit, game mechanics for an rpg, a fantastic story for a game, etc.

And your right, life isn't fair (I should know this by now, but yet it catches me by surprise). It's just another notch in the belt, right?

AM3R shamefully returns > zeontestpilot
12/08/2014 at 23:33

Haha glad you got a laugh out of it.

I totally understand, I'll admit I'm not a very open person with my emotions so I definitely feel you on that.

Like gaming? My brother had a short period where he was feeling really down, and he ended up programming some mini games with the skills he learned in his high school programming class to keep himself busy. They were pretty cool, and I loved seeing him happy and proud of the product.

Hey, another idea... PROJECT CAR!

Kinda sucks that life isn't fair, but I always try my best to make life my "bitch" so at least the advantage is on my side of the court haha.

zeontestpilot > Nisman
12/08/2014 at 23:38

I maybe need to look into that. Haven't been to a counselor or a psychiatrist in a while. Maybe 2 years?

I usually figure/fix things on my own, by logically thinking them out. It's just some topics are too much for me.

Nisman > zeontestpilot
12/09/2014 at 08:17

Yeah I've totally been there. Nothing like bouncing your thought off of somebody to solve a problem!

zeontestpilot > AM3R shamefully returns
12/09/2014 at 08:33

Yeah, I pretty much only share what I let/want others see.

I love gaming. I actually have a BS in Game and Simulation Production, though I'm not using it at my current job.

And not to sound like a negative nancy, but the majority of my funds go towards bills, my wife and my daughter. I think I see maybe 3% of my original [low] income. Otherwise, I would have a 2nd car already, :/. Actually, we're trying to figure out how to stay afloat right now. I won't bore you with the details, but I will say I hate doing a house repair when I have no idea what to do.

I tend to just take the beatings that life gives me, since it has given me a lot of them over the years, especially since getting married.

zeontestpilot > Nisman
12/09/2014 at 08:54

Yeah, pretty much, and it's why I posted it. Like getting it off my 'chest' in a way.